Greetings, Dear Readers~
Warning: The following is a huge brain dump. Sometimes it just needs to happen. Proceed with the knowledge that things might not exactly be the best writing you’ve ever read—but also be okay with that. Because I am. ^^
I hope this all finds you healthy and prosperous. 2020 has definitely had some weird vibes thus far, but all in all I feel very positive about it.
We’re 23 days into the new year, and just a few days away from Lunar New Year—Year of the Metal Rat. I can’t help but think of a pudgy rodent in a Metallica shirt with long hair watching Headbangers’ Ball (is that aging me?).
Apparently the rat is the kickoff of the Chinese Zodiac and for that, it is a year of new beginnings and renewals. Allegedly it will be a prosperous year for all the signs (even little ol’ sheep like me). Now why does this even matter? I like to think about zodiacs of all flavors because I find them interesting. And I love luck! Do we create our own luck? Sure! Do we also have Divine Intervention? Of course! Who doesn’t like to hear good things or things to watch out for? Well, I actually know a few people who just don’t want to know—but that’s just who they’re wired to be~
Anyway~ anything that tells me that I’m going to have a prosperous year in creating is going to be make me feel more secure—especially as a writer. In the past, I spent so much time doubting my ability to create—even after I finished writing the first book. I listened to a lot of criticism from people who thought they understood the creative process of a writer when I should’ve tuned it out. This aided a full on downward spiral into depression. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t create. And I didn’t want to live.
I wouldn’t have been able to talk to you (or anyone for that matter) about this in the past—but I’m free to now because I have come through the other side. Depression, coupled with critical self-doubt is a creation killer—and before I made the moves to get healthy about it, I would just look at a blank word doc and not feel anything. I felt so disconnected from the process that the thought of expressing myself though writing filled me with anxiety.
So what happened? How did the third act begin?
Well, I first went to the doctor—amid an array of health situations I was gifted, one of them was a Vitamin D deficiency. Once I started taking two vitamin D pills, my depression lifted like a curtain on opening night. There was a renewed hope. Next—I forgave those people and their hurtful words—I have to believe that it was never their intention to hurt me, but their way of motivation is not my way. And I don’t stay in contact with those individuals anymore. Mel Robbins says that people are with you for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. They are not lifetime people—which is okay~ they don’t have to be. They are still wonderful people but we’ve all moved on, and we’re better people for it. Lastly, I stopped putting pressure on myself to write in a linear fashion and just decided to start anywhere. So I did. And I wrote about 15 pages.
I’ve also come up with a schedule to keep myself accountable—and I am being more flexible with myself on what it is that I write—it could be for the story or it could be here. As long as I am writing. A friend gifted a book about creators and their schedules and it’s one of my bathroom books. I always thumb through it and look for the writers I admire and see how they made their schedules work for them. Granted, many of them were married, had the support of a spouse, and didn’t have a full time job. But they made their schedule. And I did too~ The only difference in the schedule I created for myself this time ( from the ones I had made in the past) is that I am giving myself a 2 hour window every weekday—and in my bullet journal, I write a check mark for when I accomplish my goal, and a “1/2” for when I try but stare at the screen. No matter what, I still have to sit down.
So this is it. The new Me. She’s happier. She’s honest. She’s creating. Happy 2020!
Love, Light, and Rats~
CM